˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗Why can’t I find love?˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗

 

I haven’t dated anyone or pursued any kind of relationship for the past 3 months. You'd laugh in my face and call me crazy for believing this is an achievement, but for me it was.

One of my friends used to call me a Casanova for my antics. Because one way or another, every other week, a new guy asked me out, or I’d start dating someone new. Just to get bored in a few weeks and leave. I felt bad for the guys, but then again, I always tried to warn them beforehand.

Now I don’t feel lonely or alone. Instead, I started paying more attention to my family and myself in general.

I’ve realized a few very important things. Even though I considered myself perfect, and still do, I can’t keep on living withought trying to be the best ever version of myself. Now that’s just corny-

Although it’s true.

I started running in the mornings and even doing Pilates. I read 20 books the entire summer, even if I went out every single day. I learned a few more songs on the guitar and have this thing where I write stuff. Life is amazing!

I used to always think back on all failed dates or relationships and think that something is wrong with me. Even if everything was normal. I just had 13 years. And the world around then looked more centered around me.

I suppose it’s around 16 when we learn what sonder really is. And I believe it’s beautiful. We don’t see that too often portrayed in modern media. The last book I recall that reflected this sensation so profoundly was Don Quixote. And you can see the egotism within the don just for trying to live out the chivalry days once more.

We see how deep and passionate the episodic characters seem to be. How entangled their life is and just how stupid the don is!

I call modern-romance novels, popcorn-books. All the new tik-tok, algorithmic and mentally empty books that seem to take up space on my shelves are good for nothing.

That sounded harsh, I apologize. But I am not the first one to criticize it’s rise in popularity. More often than not, I use such video essays as  background noise as I clean around the house or draw.

All of us, fully if not partially, understand that the rise of un-intellectualism, functional alphabetism and the horrid statistics about the literacy in younger generations, are bad. And the argument that such quick written books, with no actual plotline or moral at the end of the book are feeding the consumerism some try to fight against.

This happens, as I assume, because of loneliness. We feel lonely and crave human interactions. I especially, read bad romance books when I want to read something that portrays an idealized version of a relationship.

I’m well aware that in this lifetime there is little chance that I will get to meet a mafia-boss-CEO-criminal-rich-handsome-surely traumatized since childhood-loyal-soft only for me boyfriend/husband, but I can dream about it!

After a pleasant reading of Dostoyevsky, the next day I will crunch down to take a look on my lower shelves and take out a pinkish book with cartoon drawings and a title that sounds like it belongs in a high-school essay. I will sit down, be done with it in a few hours and feel proud of myself for reading an entire book in a day. Even if by the end of summer, I will forget the title and most of the characters.

Still, I read it.

Surely this will manage to keep me from feeling lonely until I find a boyfriend. Then I can have a hiatus from reading because I can text him , then break up and pick up reading again.

So. Am I unlovable?

Is it fair to write books and stories about pitch perfect couples, who’s biggest challenge in being together is that they are from different mafia families? Is it fair that most marriages in these books are contractual? Just how bad of a book would it be if you portrayed a real life Jurney of a couple?

The big problem. Such books don’t sell. And the formula is simple. Why defy it?

I can call myself an expert in relationships. I had a hoard of them in the past. And now, I am mostly disinterested in being in one. All past experiences taught me that by the end of the day, I will be alone in my bed, thinking of how stupid this guy is and how would a future with him look like. A lot of times I was terrified of thinking that I’d go that far. So, I’d get scared and back down. It felt as if the relationship wasn’t even that serious when we broke up.

Every. Time. It. Went. The. Same. Way.

I suppose along the way; I lost hope of every finding the one. So, I read about those who found the one. About how they couldn’t back down from a relationship. Deep inside I want that for myself. A relationship I can’t run from. Something I can’t ruin in a week.

Being in love is hard. Anatomically speaking, your body feels the rush of hormones as a defense mechanism and tries to protect you from it. You feel nervous around that person because your body doesn’t trust them yet. All the butterflies and overthinking, are a joke.

I want to believe that somewhere in this world there is a one for me. That no matter what, he will come for me and force me to face my fear. I want to believe that I am not unlovable. Because I’ve been in love before.

I believe in going on dates just to talk and judge people. I believe in falling asleep in each other’s arms and not thinks of it as a lost opportunity for sex. I believe in home cooking horrible dishes and ordering take-out after. I believe in sharing a cup of home-made coffee in the halls. I believe in reading a book and studying it just because the other recommended it and I believe in hugs and stolen kisses.

I don’t want to believe that I’m unlovable, because I believe in love!

 

 

 

(sonder -The profound feeling of realizing that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it.)